All of my life, I’ve known the presence of fear more intimately than I’d like. I’ve known what it’s like to be bullied in high school, and afraid of my peers. I’ve known what it’s like to worry obsessively over having to visit my own father because of psychological abuse from him in the past. And because fear is the only thing I have ever truly known, I have managed to cling to it. Because I can trust fear. I know the heavy onslaught of emotions that fear may bring and I know how to deal with the pain from it. Other feelings alike love and even hatred? Nope, I can’t deal with them.
Whenever someone has ever tried to pursue me either romantically or even searching for a friendship, I have always denied them, pushed them away. I felt better being alone, sad, and miserable, than trying to live and trying to love.
But I cannot live like that anyone. I want to live, want to learn, want to do before my life is over. After several failed suicide attempts and being walked on more than a hotel welcome mat, I am ready to forgive, forget, and begin again.
To be honest, I don’t know how I will do this.
Every day, I find myself wandering back to my addictions, to my fear, to my pain…to the darkness sides of my mind and taking up residency there. But I will try because at the end of the day, that’s all anyone can do. Try.
Tasha is ready to kickstart the Youtube channel, and I can’t blame her. We’ve been talking about starting it for it for the past two months and it’s time that we begin.
I just hope that I make it. I hope I allow myself to experience whatever opportunities our Youtube channel may bring our ways. And I hope, no, I pray, that God will not allow my depression, and my social anxiety to hold me back from reaching my goal…whatever that may be.
I want to be happy. I have to be happy. I will be happy.